Hurt
by theRahma
Summary: What hurts more than silently screaming for the one you love?


**J-C! It's your birthday! :D Or, as you so affectionately insist, it's December 5. Originally, I wanted to make you an AMV, but as I told you, my parents returned my laptop and I also didn't have enough time :( So I settled on this.**

**I just realized right now that it might make you a little sad... sorry about that.**

**And I'm also sorry if it disappoints you... it was so hard keeping Sebastian and Ciel IC, but I tried!**

**Nonetheless, I will still give you a gift when I see you on Monday! A materialistic one!**

**But-happy birthday, my amazing, awesome, lovely, super, beautiful, gorgeous, freaking SEXY SEBASTIAN~! Ahem, ahem... sorry, Sebastian. Now, get back to work.**

**No, but seriously though, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I have to hurry with this because it's 11:58 and I want to post it at exactly 12:00 AM... but seriously, I'm so glad I met you and so happy we got to be so close this year. I never expected that friendship AT ALL, and I'm proud of the trust we've formed over our friendship.**

**I have more to tell you, but I'll tell you all of it... on Monday ;)**

**I... guess I should say I don't own Kuroshitsuji? First time writing something that isn't 100% of my imagination, so... yeah, I don't own Kuroshitsuji. But I do own Sebastian... you :) kind of...**

**Oh, and there's some bad language, mature ideas, and implication of sex. **

**Without further ado, here's your birthday story :D**

* * *

It hurts. It hurts to silently scream for the one you love, to call out for the one you love, but hear nothing besides the loud beats of your own heart. It is difficult. But what is even more difficult, and more hurtful, is to discover that the one you love recites his poems of love and sings his gentle and delicate love songs to someone else…

This is exactly what I discovered as I walked into Sebastian's room just a few days ago. There, on the bed, he was perched, a woman underneath him, her face flushed, his face sweaty. His hair was as disheveled as hers, his breath as shaky as hers, the lust in his eyes as strong and apparent as the lust in hers. Who is this woman? I don't know. I don't want to know, and I don't have to know. Ashamed, embarrassed, and pained, I closed the door before they saw me and walked to my own bedroom.

Lying gently on my bed, staring at the ceiling, I allowed myself to control my emotions… what were they? Was I jealous? Angry? Hurt? Betrayed? Would I have even told Sebastian how I felt? Probably not. So why did it matter so much? And, most importantly, why is my love so much stronger after I saw… that? I quickly rose up from my bed and stormed to Sebastian's room, deciding to order him to stop. After all, a butler should be taking care of his duties, not fooling around with some woman, with some _whore_. Just as my hand came upon the doorknob, I stopped myself. Did I really want to see that again? And what would I say? It would be too awkward… I could feel my face turn hot just at the thought of doing what I was just about to do. My hand slipped from the doorknob and I was just about to leave, but the door opened. I looked down at my hands. It wasn't me who opened the door! I looked back up to find Sebastian standing there, Sebastian in all his breathtaking and glorious beauty, zipping his pants up. Just as he was about to move onto buttoning his vest, his eyes caught mine, and his hands dropped as a questioning look took over his gaze. "Young master?" he asked, confused. I could see the woman, who was now tightening her corset, peek from behind Sebastian's shoulder, her hair still in a mess around her head.

"Sebastian," I started, my voice shaking with emotion. I wanted to tell him so much. I wanted to tell him to get that woman out of here, to not bring anymore women into my manor, and to, most importantly, only spend his time with _me. _The increase of questions in my head caused an increase of color on my cheeks, and all I could manage out of my mouth was a weak "get to work."

"Yes, my lord," he said, continuing to button his vest and fix his clothes and hair. I turned on my heel and walked to my room.

As I paced around my room, thoughts came rushing in my head, one after the other. I should go back. I should go back and tell him how I feel. No, no, no! I can't. A master must keep his relationship with his servants as professional as possible. This would complicate things. This would… lower my honor. I can't do it. But… but he has to know. This is killing me. This is eating me alive. But he doesn't want me! He proved this today with that woman. Any hope, which was virtually nonexistent to begin with, is shattered now because of what I just saw. He loves someone else. He loves that woman. Not me. The image of them together, his body hovering over hers, his eyes displaying a feeling I've never seen him display, danced in my head. It was as if my memories were teasing me, playing with me, manipulating and fazing me. Angering me. I took a deep breath in and walked to the door, but then stopped and walked back to my desk. Just focus on your work. Your work is more important. I looked around, walked back to the door, and then, at the last minute, walked back to my desk.

I can't have him.

* * *

Hm. As soon as I was finished fixing myself up, I graciously led the woman out of the manor and got back to work, just as my master ordered. As I was straightening the curtains, I remembered the look on my master's face. A look of frustration, envy, and… betrayal? Whatever the emotions were, I had never seen them all together, combined in that way and fashion, invading my master's expression.

The young master had no right to feel that way. Nobody stops him from spending time with his fiancée. My mind played memories of the countless afternoons that I had to spend with the couple, biting back the urge to kill, yes, kill, Elizabeth, with anything—the butter knife I was spreading the marmalade on the bread with, the scarf wrapped around her neck, or even my own hands—and take my master all for myself.

Not that Elizabeth presents any threat or competition. Without much narcissism, I can honestly say that I could easily win against Elizabeth when it comes to taking the boy. There's no competition when it comes to me.

But, of course, that couldn't happen. I am here only to serve Ciel Phantomhive and attend to his every need. The only part of him that I _can_ have is his soul, and that is only after he has completed his revenge.

It was sad, but alas, it was the truth. Every night after tucking him into bed, I must deliberately take long, steady steps away from him, forcing myself to not join him in his bed and stopping myself from giving him the most pleasurable time of his life. This morning was especially bad. As I came to wake the young master up, I noticed that his nightshirt was lifted just slightly, showing more of his thighs than I have usually had the privilege of seeing. His hair was untidy, almost swished, this way and that, some of it on his forehead, some behind his ears, some over his eyes. His mouth was curled into a perfect, almost doll-like smile. His eyes were something else. Although closed, they were… almost angelic in their delicacy. The eyelashes which were set so gracefully on my master's cheeks, the closed eyelids, the serenity which accompanied his sleep… all of this was too much for me. And even when those eyes would open, the hatred and coldness in them would still not kill the utter perfection of them. The sun was not yet up, and the sky was a dark blue with the moon shining softly from between the curtains. The light of the moon rested gently on my master's beautiful face, and how I ached to be in the moon's place now, resting my touch gently on those cheeks. I watched my master in silence, my fists clenched at my side, trying so hard to control myself, trying so hard to force myself not to touch him, not to caress him, not to make him feel things his fiancée could never in a million years make him feel. I leaned close to him, and instead of following the Sebastian in my head and kissing my master's lips, I lightly tapped on his arm to wake him up. When he opened his eyes and looked at me with that dreamy gaze, I had to stop imagining all the possibilities in which I wanted him to gaze at me exactly in that way… for example, I wanted him to gaze at me like that in bed, perhaps. Maybe in the bathtub… Or, I don't know, on his desk… on the… rooftop… _STOP_, I ordered myself, and with the same smooth perfection I mask every day, I smiled at my master and said, "A busy schedule is awaiting you today, young master."

After dressing him up, feeding him breakfast, and telling him his schedule, I found a prostitute to sleep with, deciding maybe she could satisfy my current desire.

But it wasn't enough. Just _seeing _the young master brought all of the desire right back. He is… almost a drug that I know is so bad for me, yet I still cannot refrain from wanting it. He brings all the lust, all the need, all the desire, all the _demonic sickness, _out of me.

No prostitute can extinguish these flames of lust that I feel for my master.

It didn't matter anyway, I decided as I pulled the curtains straight one last time and moved to adjusting the carpet. I am his butler, and he is my master. A man of his position cannot be engaging in that kind of behavior. A man of his position cannot be forming such a relationship with his servant. He is promised to Elizabeth… that _bitch._ Most importantly, however, is that even if a relationship were to form between us, it wouldn't last long. In the end, I'd still have to take his soul. It would only be a form of self-destruction if I were to express my intimacy to him and he to express his to me.

I can't have him.

* * *

**AH, AH, AH! I really hope you liked it! Seriously... I worked really hard on it, too. Oh, and you might've realized that the idea is similar to the one I told you that day at Enloe when you said you were unsure whether or not to make Sebastian and Ciel confess their love for one another... but actually, I had the idea WAY BEFORE I told you it. To be exact, I started on the story the Friday before you guys came over.**

**And hee hee, Sebastian wants to do it on the rooftop. :D**

**Okay, well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MOST AMAZING J-C IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! Seventeen=sexy. Don't be sad that you're growing up! And once again, expect more on Monday~!**

**EDIT: I forgot to add this, but an addition that Chelsea and Aparna contributed was:**

**Yes, I know my activities might've suggested me as a whore, but hey, I can't help it. I have… needs… to fulfill.**

**At first, it was "Yes, I know I'm a whore.." but I kind of tweaked it ;D hee hee.**


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